Fighting Forlorn

An updated post from the past

Feelings into thoughts,

Thoughts into words,

Words onto paper,

But still it hurts.

Trying to make,

Peace with the pain.

Trying to dance,

In thunder and rain.

But I am soaked,

Chilled to the bone.

Feeling like heartache,

is no place to call home.

In the midst of the storm,

I still see the sun.

Shining always,

In some place I can’t run.

I’ve built a greenhouse,

A safe place in the storm.

And even through clouds,

The sun makes it warm.

Growth here is slow,

Seeds sprout & turn green,

But the fruit here is rare,

And not easily seen.

I imagine I’m stronger,

But this path is no fun.

I really just wish,

That I could be done.

I’ll tend my greenhouse.

I’ll seek peace in the storm.

And in the shadow of doubt,

I’ll fight this forlorn.

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Dandelion Dreams

Some look at dandelions,
And just see the weeds.
I see determination,
And possibilities.

You see my mess,
But I see a masterpiece.
You see a lawn to mow,
Where I see a field of dreams.

They have their blinders on,
Content with what they’ve seen.
I have the gift of vision,
So, I wonder what could be.

It won’t come fast or easy.
This I already know.
When it comes to failure.
I am already pro.

It might not come this month.
It might not come this year.
But it will come on time,
Let’s make that crystal clear.

I will never be content,
Just doing what’s been done.
I am the up and coming.
I am the rising sun.

The Enemy in Me

Where is my victory?
How can I succeed,
When my biggest oppressor,
Lives within me.

She is under my skin.
She is inside head.
She’s awake in my dreams,
When I’m lying in bed.

She seeks to maim.
She seeks to deceive.
She hamstrings my hope.
And brings faith to its knees.

She holds me so close
I can’t tell us apart,
She keeps me confused,
Like its some kind of art.

She skews my perspective,
Projects all my fears.
She says expect nothing,
But failure and tears.

Is that voice fear?
Or is it wisdom?
Are these my shackles,
Or the Keys to freedom?

Hope hamstrung, still lives.
Faith’s not dead its just grieving.
The worst has happened,
And yet I’m still breathing.

So I quiet my mind,
And I cover my eyes.
I will not be moved,
by her fear and her lies.

I won’t be deceived,
If I cannot hear.
And If I cannot see,
I have nothing to fear.

Thus, I proceed,
Better off blind and deaf.
For the path is true,
And It guides every step.

And Then She Let Go

Let Go! Let Go! Let Go! It was on repeat, it was all she could hear. But her hands were still clenched tight. She knew that by letting go she would lose something, but the only way to move forward was to let go. What was it that she held onto? She was afraid to find out. Whatever it was, she had been holding it as long as she could remember, so long it had become part of her. Defiant fists maintained their silent revolt. Finally, something gave way inside of her. The fear of loss was overtaken by the desire for growth. Her wrists went slack, her hands stopped shaking, and of their own volition angry fists gave way to the white flag of her palms. The things she held onto remained but a moment before they flew away.

One by one they went; fear, self doubt and insecurity. As each one took flight, she remembered the moments in her childhood, when, in innocence she chose to pick them up. She had carried them for so long. She thought they were for her protection. She felt the relief of weight she thought was her own and pain so constant it went unnoticed. They were no longer part of her, and they were never meant to be.

There can only be One….of you

I shared about this on my facebook page and it seemed to be a popular subject so I thought I’d expand a bit.
When something works for me, I am inclined to sing it from the rooftops. But that doesn’t mean it works for you. For instance, many people struggle on low carb diets. Many people say its bad for you. I however thrive on 25 carbs or less a day. I don’t crave them, I don’t get brain fog and I even lose my dark circles. But I think I’m an anomaly. A balance of carbs and protein makes me gain fat and have a big appetite (even the complex carbs like oatmeal). A vegan diet makes me waste away, muscularly and gain fat. And I know how to heat a high protein nutrient dense vegan diet. A vegan diet is not good for my body. My body thrives on meat, eggs and veggies. It bugs me when people think that their way of life, diet, religion or otherwise is the only way. This is called self righteousness and it is a crime against unique individuals. From our body chemistry to our perspectives, we are different from each other, I said DIFFERENT not WRONG. . We are not cookie cut outs, though many groups and individuals may wish we were. We are puzzle pieces. We have a specialized niche to fill. We may be able to be categorized into corner pieces, edge pieces or center pieces but we still have one and only one spot to fill and it belongs us alone. The picture of humanity will not be complete until you find your place. Don’t try to fit into someone else’s space. It will be uncomfortable and painful for everyone involved. It might take you a while to find where you belong, but when you do it will be beautiful. Don’t try to convince someone else that they should be shaped like you. It can only ever be a lie and you won’t be able to share your spot, but you will keep someone from finding their own.

Come Forth

She couldn’t help it. Her head knew better, but her heart was unrelenting. One day she would realize that her heart spoke from trust and her head spoke only of fear, and at that very moment all of the power she suppressed would come forth and the Earth would never be the same.

Unconditional Love = Being free from the task of judgement

My life’s goal is an intrinsic one. I want to be unconditionally loving towards myself and others, and I want to be fearless. I know that I am shooting for the stars, but this goal is the reason I am alive. Everything else is peripheral. In essence, I would rather attain mastery of myself, than a master’s degree. I can’t tell you if its an attainable goal or not, but I know without a doubt that it is a worthy pursuit and I aim to see it through.
Recently, I read a sentence that changed everything for me. Upon reading it, I felt like I got an updated prescription on my glasses and realized what I thought was a mountain was actually a rubbish pile, and it needed to be dealt with. The sentence was simple. “You don’t have to judge this situation.” In other words, I don’t have to categorize everything that happens and everyone I meet as either good or bad. “I am free from the task of judgement.” As someone who is focused on loving people unconditionally, the magnitude of this realization was humbling. With this new vision I could plainly see that categorizing everyone and everything was not only an automatic process for me, but also incredibly judgmental. I feel like the left part of my brain was doing this instantaneously as a defense mechanism, and that the defense was rooted in fear. I was essentially qualifying and disqualifying people all the time. The good people deserve kindness and grace, the bad people can be overlooked. The good circumstances can be embraced and celebrated and the bad situations need to be avoided at all costs. This way of thinking in not only in line with conditional love, it could very well be the definition.
I want love to shine out of me onto every person and every circumstance, otherwise I am shining light on light and leaving the darkness to the dark, accomplishing nothing. The worst part is that all I have to work with is assumption and presumption which is nothing more than self righteous make believe. I am not qualified to judge because my hindered and skewed perception of a snap shot moment doesn’t know a thing about truth, the motivations of the heart or what’s to come. Its even harder with people I know because I’ve got history and experience with them, but I did not design them before time and knit them together in their mother’s womb. I’m still not qualified to judge. I cannot see into even my best friend’s soul to deduce her true motivations and don’t even get me started on what I “think” I know about my husband. My perception is skewed by lies, fear and my own insecurities. If I could see into other people’s souls clearly I would see what I see in myself…Goodness & purity held hostage by fear and deception.
Judging circumstances is a fruitless burden as well. My husband was in a fender bender at a time when we were behind on bills. I judged that situation as bad and became fearful. The damage our car sustained was minor and the person settled with us on the spot and paid several times the cost of repairs, catching us up on finances in a moment. I’ve also accepted shiny job offers with workplaces that resemble Utopia only to find out that one difficult boss can take the joy out of any job. What looks good can often bring trouble, what looks bad can be accompanied by blessings.
I am not qualified to judge. Its exhausting anyways. Every day of my life serves a purpose and is an opportunity to learn and grow. Whether I realize it right away or not, so is every person and circumstance I encounter. I am only responsible for my own motivations and choices. I can freely accept people and circumstances in the same way I accept each new sunrise… With gratitude and appreciation for the lessons and blessings they bring.

The Kind of Guy You Want to Know

I’m privileged to tell you that I know this guy. He is a scholar, a self driven athlete, a lover of life and a relentless advocate for doing what’s right. In addition to all that he is a great friend of mine. Perhaps I should have told his story sooner, but he is leaving for 3 years to teach English in another country any day now, and I think this would be the perfect time to share it.

Justin was on a stroll through downtown Spokane with a lady friend when an act of domestic violence literally erupted out of a nearby house. A heavily pregnant woman burst from a house into the street screaming for help and a man stormed after her. Justin asked his friend to call 911 and he headed towards the mayhem. Before he could get to her, the man brutally punched her in the face and stomach. When the man saw Justin coming he moved to engage him, this gave the woman a chance to flee, but it was also a big mistake because Justin has dedicated much of his time to the practice of Judo and other martial arts. Before the man could do anymore damage Justin was able to knock him out with a clean straight right and put him face down into a secure hold until the situation was neutralized.
The name Justin means Justice and this guy lives up to his name, he is something of a warrior priest and wandering knight. Suffice it to say, chivalry is not dead and if you are lucky enough to be his friend, or unlucky enough to be a damsel in distress, he won’t hesitate to put himself in harms way to protect you.
Have fun on your new adventure my friend!